As we close up this year of 2014, I reflect on this sweet boy. I am forever grateful for these months I've gotten to bond with him more. I know exactly what God is trying to work out in me by bringing Raymond home to my heart. Raymond humbles me like no other. He is such a wild card! I really just don't know which Raymond is going to come down those stairs in the morning and what our day will look like.
This boy.... this sweet curly cutie who can look like this one moment......
This boy.... this sweet curly cutie who can look like this one moment......
play Joy to the World so sweet and gentle like this....
......and then look and act like this the next moment....
.... I mean, wow.
In this last moment, he was not joking. He was sincerely giving me the angry cat face and cat noises like a 3 year old would do. Do normal 3 year olds even do that? I don't know. He was genuinely MAD and that's how he wanted to communicate it. When I snapped a picture, he probably screamed like a terror, slammed down his stuff, stomped upstairs & slammed the doors. I don't know - Mommy amnesia blocked that part out. Talk about 10 steps forward, 5 years back :)
Oh the ups and downs of this journey.
Even today as I write this entry, I am still trying to process a terrible mistake he made this afternoon. Being too impulsive in a boy wrestling thing (what is with boys & the need to touch each other anyway) he hurt a good friend of his. Like I say, he humbles me. How can one who is SOO sweet & knows the Lord and is so insightful and compassionate.... have such ridiculous behavior sometimes? Sometimes, it is SO HARD to focus on the long term view of the HEART and not just use whatever tactic I can think of to get his behavior under CONTROL!!! Oh life would be so much easier if I just stayed in super duper control of his behavior and just whipped him into right behavior at all times. But easier isn't what God has asked of me.
God has asked me to steward Raymond's heart. Raymond's HEART is what was created in God's image. This heart belongs to God. I have been given stewardship for a short while. It is my job to shepherd it to The Shepherd, with The Shepherd, for The Shepherd.
Over the years of knowing this, I have found it is impossible to shepherd the heart when I am focused on what others think. When I'm focused on how things appear. When I'm focused on trying to find MY value and approval in how "good" or well behaved or loving my child is. When I'm focused on getting RR to live up to any expectations *I* might have. When I'm focused on trying to control every moment of behavior so I will look good or he will look good or even God will look good.
No, none of those can be the focus. The only thing that works to shepherd a heart properly... is to focus on THE Heart-Shepherd, The One who created it, The One who sustains it, The one who unfreezes it, The King, Love Himself, Christ Jesus.
And THAT has been the biggest blessing of this journey.
I wanted God to use me to train Raymond in humility, obedience & waiting on the Spirit. I wanted RR to learn to TRUST God & OBEY and to depend on the Lord at all times. To BREATHE and slow down and PRAY and THINK before he reacts.
In this last moment, he was not joking. He was sincerely giving me the angry cat face and cat noises like a 3 year old would do. Do normal 3 year olds even do that? I don't know. He was genuinely MAD and that's how he wanted to communicate it. When I snapped a picture, he probably screamed like a terror, slammed down his stuff, stomped upstairs & slammed the doors. I don't know - Mommy amnesia blocked that part out. Talk about 10 steps forward, 5 years back :)
Oh the ups and downs of this journey.
Even today as I write this entry, I am still trying to process a terrible mistake he made this afternoon. Being too impulsive in a boy wrestling thing (what is with boys & the need to touch each other anyway) he hurt a good friend of his. Like I say, he humbles me. How can one who is SOO sweet & knows the Lord and is so insightful and compassionate.... have such ridiculous behavior sometimes? Sometimes, it is SO HARD to focus on the long term view of the HEART and not just use whatever tactic I can think of to get his behavior under CONTROL!!! Oh life would be so much easier if I just stayed in super duper control of his behavior and just whipped him into right behavior at all times. But easier isn't what God has asked of me.
God has asked me to steward Raymond's heart. Raymond's HEART is what was created in God's image. This heart belongs to God. I have been given stewardship for a short while. It is my job to shepherd it to The Shepherd, with The Shepherd, for The Shepherd.
Over the years of knowing this, I have found it is impossible to shepherd the heart when I am focused on what others think. When I'm focused on how things appear. When I'm focused on trying to find MY value and approval in how "good" or well behaved or loving my child is. When I'm focused on getting RR to live up to any expectations *I* might have. When I'm focused on trying to control every moment of behavior so I will look good or he will look good or even God will look good.
No, none of those can be the focus. The only thing that works to shepherd a heart properly... is to focus on THE Heart-Shepherd, The One who created it, The One who sustains it, The one who unfreezes it, The King, Love Himself, Christ Jesus.
And THAT has been the biggest blessing of this journey.
I wanted God to use me to train Raymond in humility, obedience & waiting on the Spirit. I wanted RR to learn to TRUST God & OBEY and to depend on the Lord at all times. To BREATHE and slow down and PRAY and THINK before he reacts.
And it's amazing....
I found that God is using Raymond to train ME in humility, obedience & waiting on the Spirit. He is teaching ME to TRUST & OBEY and to depend on the Lord at all times. To BREATHE and slow down and PRAY and THINK before I react.
And He did it... by bringing me closer to His heart in every high & every low.
Homeschooling has been like "extreme parenting" or something. It has just taken everything to a new level. All those things I mentioned above that I should NOT focus on... ohhh they have been SO much harder to NOT focus on since I started homeschooling! Looking for judging eyes, worrying about how we appear, stressing about how the children are representing me/ homeschoolers/ God, seeking affirmation or praise for how we are "doing". All the temptations to WORRY or FEAR & get tighter CONTROL have been so much stronger.
BUT I praise God!! Because I know that HE is being glorified and will be glorified in this ministry I have to my children! He is helping me turn my eyes and focus on HIM! I think it's very evident to everybody that *I* am not cut out for this. From the beginning of this calling even moreso than when I become a mom, I just felt GOd telling me.... daughter this is MY thing. This is MY work. These are MY children. Just let me work through you. Homeschooling is SO FAR above me and I just knew that *I* could not do this. I KNEW I was so weak and so because of that.... I was strong and have been strong! God turns everything upside down!! He has made me strong because of my weakness & dependence on Him!
Depending on God has been the greatest lesson these past 4 months. GOD'S guidance, undeserved LOVE & undeserved grace & undeserved mercy have been very evidence in our home & DREAM Academy.
His LOVE & MERCY are amazing!! We should be in AWE of His love! His HEART is the most beautiful thing in the entire world!!!!!!!! One of the things I believe to be true about His heart that just brings me to tears any time I think about it..... is that, Our Father, is never ashamed to call us His own. I need to write that again. He is never ashamed to claim us as His.
When we are cold....like beyond lukewarm - just bitter, hard, uncaring, no warmth, frozen heart type - cold. When we've been disobedient. When we've blown it again. When we have forgotten to be still and when we've rushed ahead. When we've defiantly put self above others. When we hurt others. When we make terrible decisions......He never disowns us! He never disowns His children!
In any of our darkest, ugliest moments, if a person in the crowd around us stood up and shouted indignantly, "who is this Child's Father!?!? Whose Child is THIS!?!?!?"...Our Father would stand right up, proudly and He would claim us. "This is MY child. I created this child in MY image and I gave up EVERYTHING to adopt him back when he was separated from me. He is MINE. I love him and nothing will ever change that, ever"
This visual has changed the way I relate to my children. He seriously beyond measure LOVES my children and they are HIS.
His love is so much greater than we can understand. His love won't give up on us. His love WILL convict us and sanctify us and discipline us & correct us so we can be more like Him!! But His HEART. It's the most captivating & amazing and AWEsome thing in the universe! At this Christmas, I know it!! God is with us!! He finished the work needed to tear down the separation between us. He is with us right here, standing with His arms spread wide open, always! Waiting for us to lean back in.
How GREAT is the love HE has lavished on us that we should be called children of God. And that is what we are - children of God!!!
I want my children to know this lavish love. I want to help my children give Him their hearts!
This giving & receiving with the Lord. He gave us His heart.... nailed it on a cross for us!! for all to see the extreme & radical LOVE He offers........in response, we give Him our hearts.... and in response, we know His more more more!!
How GREAT is the love HE has lavished on us that we should be called children of God. And that is what we are - children of God!!!
I want my children to know this lavish love. I want to help my children give Him their hearts!
This giving & receiving with the Lord. He gave us His heart.... nailed it on a cross for us!! for all to see the extreme & radical LOVE He offers........in response, we give Him our hearts.... and in response, we know His more more more!!
And whenever we experience and KNOW the heart of the Father, our hard heartedness is cracked again, another frozen piece falls away and His light is able to pour out brighter than ever before.
Yes! Our Father's Heart is the most powerful, uncontainable, indescribable, unfailing, AWEsome beauty in the whole universe! And we get to be wrapped all up in it!!
Yes! Our Father's Heart is the most powerful, uncontainable, indescribable, unfailing, AWEsome beauty in the whole universe! And we get to be wrapped all up in it!!
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