Like I talked about last week - Mommy seems to be breaking our DREAM Academy "rules" and the values we are working on more than anybody. I guess the hardest thing about homeschooling so far is having to come face to face with parts of myself I easily covered up when I was only home with a 3 & 1 year old all day. 3 & 1 year old little girls who were very compliant and desiring to follow & please me. :)
I actually knew this is what God was planning :) I wrote and spoke about it clearly.....God had some deeper work to be done in me that I could only learn by homeschooling. Raymond needed to come home so that Mommy could be sharpened by him more hours, every day.
Our Father has really been working on me to be kind to myself & have grace for myself. But being kind to myself doesn't mean I ignore conviction & correction. It does not mean that I don't hunger for righteousness & godliness and feel remorseful when I fall short. Actually, because I know Grace & Kindness, that is why I CAN accept conviction & correction. Because I know Grace Himself, that is why I hunger to be like Him more.
I have been grumpy, whiny, unthankful, impatient and just quite frankly depresssed acting but there is absolutely no reason to be. Everything is GREAT. I have SO MUCH to be thankful for but I am BLUGH. I do not feel like loving or serving. I do not feel grace. I don't feel like doing much of anything. I am finding myself to act selfish more than selfless. Worried more about my plans than my children's needs.
In situations where I was gentle just weeks ago, I now feel angry & harsh. Where I was peaceful I feel annoyed now. Where I was God-fearing I am now more worried about what others around me are thinking. Where I was Spirit lead I feel so much flesh and out.of.control. I'm making rash, ridiculous mistakes. I'M OFF. Wow yes that is some serious yuck. It's true. And it hurts.
I was feeling quite shocked at how quickly I can do "bad" when I'm not walking as close as I can to the Lord. But then, as God *always* does -- my BSF notes were EXACTLY on this!! We shouldn't be shocked at the wrong possible in us! David expressed these sentiments... along with so many of His leaders. We really are full of self, ungodliness, unlove when not full of His Spirit. The more we know Grace, the deeper He shows this!! God is gracious and will slowly reveal our depravity at the level He knows we can handle. We are empty without Jesus. We are very capable of wrong, and a lot of it, no matter how long we have walked with the Lord. When we wander, we wander!
So what is all this junk going on in my heart? Well, it's just symptoms of a soul that isn't refreshed.
But life is so good - why isn't my soul refreshed!? Why can't I just list my thanks & be happy??? Because nothing refreshes like Jesus. All the *good* things in the world are not enough if I'm not being satisfied, renewed, quenched by Jesus. I am so THANKFUL for this. I'm so thankful God made me a hungry person and I am so thankful for the first day He revealed to me what I was really hungering for was HIM.
So what's the first step to being refreshed by Him? Making more room for Him. Giving Him more time. Giving Him the priority of heart He deserves.
When I'm having a hard time breaking through to refreshment and hearing from the Lord like I am right now....it's unsettling.... I am not used to this and I DO NOT LIKE IT. This season of life is crazy! Brandon isn't available really at all right now. So basically, my workload has increased a LOT the past month. Of COURSE I don't have the quiet time I did before. Brandon isn't around, Raymond is home all day, I have a lot more demands with homeschooling, we don't have nap time anymore!!!! That's a lot of changes in a few months.
I can't control the majority of the workload on me. But I CAN control my technology use. So it's technology sabbatical time, for sure. It is seriously hard to let go of Facebook Instagram this time It's used for SUCH good! I LOVE the groups I was able to start to be able to connect others. I love the encouragement I can give & receive. I love the resource it is as a homeschooling mom.
But it means NOTHING compared to my relationship with Jesus.
The truth is that I don't NEED any of this encouragement/stuff when I'm plugged into Him. I don't mean that in an arrogant way - because we ARE designed to be in community and in relationship with others - but really - HE really is ALL I *need*. That relationship comes FIRST. Then, we connect with others.
When we aren't hearing from Him, when we don't feel close, when we don't see a next step of what He is asking or what is wrong ---- we need to look back at what God has asked us to do already because until we have obeyed THAT instruction, He isn't going to give another. The instruction to me was... make more time for us. I haven't obeyed, so I haven't heard anymore instructions.
I don't understand why I'm a person that NEEDS more space with Jesus than others do. I don't know why He made me so fragile in mind & so sensitive. I don't know why He made me to have to take these sabbaticals. I don't understand why I am such a deep thinker and think SO MUCH. I don't know why it's so easy for me to get sucked into technology and why it's so hard for me to hear Him when I do. Others can manage. Others can stay plugged into Him and technology. But I am me. I have to just trust that HE created me, HE knows me and HE will lead ME.
This week's rule & verse were "TRUST & OBEY". So again, this homeschooling thing is mostly about Mommy being schooled. I haven't obeyed, it's time to obey and not wander another step further!!
I seriously want HIM to be first and I miss the closeness I had with Him before this craziness of season. There's not much I can change..... but I CAN CHANGE my use of technology!!!
I know that this obedience will pay off and I will come out of this sabbatical in such a better place...... because HE refreshes my heart, HE restores my soul, HE renews my mind and HE rejuvenates my strength.
HE is what I need more of. Not quotes about Him. Not pretty instagram encouragement about Him. Not articles on FBook about spirituality or religion. Not even scripture posted on my timeline. JESUS!! HIM. I have access to HIM!!! to just be with HIM!!! and HE, the KING who is ALIVE!! ---- HE is what I need!
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